And the beat goes on...

Y'all know that I'm not great about blogging anymore. There was a request for an update, and quite frankly I was tired of seeing "Bad Season" when I left blog comments for others. So a mini-update, kind of. It's late, so it will be short.

Honestly, that "Bad Season" has continued and gotten more and more complicated. I'm unsure if I should ride out the storm or grab my girls' hands (and somehow a bunch of paws) and jump ship. It's a debate in my mind daily.

I try to keep all the anger and ugliness on the down low. But like I've mentioned the girls are observant and there's no keeping secrets from them. Plus their lives have changed a bit. It's been a tough adjustment for them, but they are doing well.

When I see them my goal is communication...how was their day? How are their friends? We talk a little about boys (yikes!). Most of all I make sure to tell them I love them as many times as I can. Oh and laughing, the day is a success if we laugh. Let me tell you that it's not always as easy as it seems when you have a preteen going through life's changes. She knows what is happening. But some of the changes are in the mind, the way she thinks and feels, it's hard to prepare for that. We manage though. Bethany is a little chatter-box with a sensitive laugh button. Man that girl is funny! Kelley is more mature, so the girly-giggles aren't as freely flowing as they used to be. She does have a great sense of humor though, there is definitely laughter. Just the way I love it.

Our family does have *big* changes coming soon. Changes that are *good* and that remind us how very *blessed* we are. I'll be sharing that soon, with lots of blogging to follow I'm sure, during an upcoming "Good Season"!

First we need to get through the next 3 1/2 weeks left of school. I think that's all that's left. I can't hardly believe it, 4th grade and 6th grade are so close to being over and out!

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Bad Season

Seems that I start all of my posts with something like..."I've been a bad blogger" or "It's been awhile" and this one is no different in that sense. My blogging has all but ceased with an exception here or there. It's not that I don't want to write, I do. And it's not that I have nothing to share, I do. So what's the problem?

Here's where I'll be straight up and tell you that I am struggling. My family is struggling. Life is a struggle. I don't want to write about something that will leave people reading with a sense of blah. That's no fun. The many blogs I read usually leave me with a smile or even a laugh out loud. Once in awhile there is something sad that's happened and I cry along with them. But in those cases, something sad has happened...a loss or an illness. I'm fortunate that I've not had anything like that occur in a while. I'm so very thankful for that. No, the struggles we are experiencing are not life and death. Some do affect our lives in big ways and some in not so big ways. In fact the smaller things would probably not be as bad if the big things weren't happening.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer.

I do want to be real.

In order to be real I may have to be a Debbie.

For a while I thought that the hard times we are experiencing were just a season. The season would pass and change. Starting fresh and anew. So I've waited. Trying to keep a positive outlook. I've prayed, I do that a lot. Riding this wave and waiting to reach the shore but I just can't get there.

It reminds me of a day at the beach as a kid...my friend and I were holding onto a raft and floating wherever the water took us. We didn't realize that instead of bringing us back to the shore, the currents were taking us out into the sea. It wasn't until our parents noticed and yelled and waved at us that we realized how far away we were. Trying not to panic we kicked our legs trying to power our raft back to shallow waters. It didn't work very well. We kicked and kicked and maybe started to panic. By this point I think everyone on the beach was aware of what was happening but all they did was watch us. Maybe that's all they could do. Nobody swam to us. Eventually we did make it back, exhausted. Right now I'm on that raft and fighting the currents to get back to safety and normalcy. I know that others can see and they are worried. But they can't swim out to guide me back.

Keeping it real, I have to admit that I'm angry. Angry that this bad season didn't start with anything I had done. Angry that I am recovering from a seriously bad season already. Throwing a temper fit in my mind (usually) that enough is enough. I have been through serious struggles and had enough. It's not fair. This isn't my fault. Look at this mess we're in. I'm not cleaning it up. And on and on.

Then I realize that I shouldn't be so childish. I am blessed in many ways. Maybe I didn't cause the problems but they are still mine to help solve. That's another part of the problem, I can't solve it. Sure there are some things that I can do but ultimately a lot of it is completely out of my control. That's when the anger and pity party turns to fear. Something has to give. It's not just me or my husband, it's my girls. At what point does this begin to affect them? I can try to shield them and protect them. Life as usual. But they are smart and observant and they know that things aren't as they should be. Then the fear turns to sadness. My girls are my life. I want the best for them in all ways, all the time. They've been through a horrible season already. A season of not knowing what was going to happen to me. Life turned completely upside down for them. But they are also strong and faithful. So there's that. But again enough is enough.

So what is this bad season we're experiencing? Mostly it's unemployment. Mr. H hasn't worked since June of last year. In the beginning I let it go and let him just be. I'm sure he needed to grieve. He didn't just lose his job, it was a bit more than that. He could potentially lose his license, after all this time he still doesn't know what that outcome will be. I have to throw in a disclaimer, he didn't do anything horribly wrong. He stood up for a patient who was not able to get the care he needed because of insurance paperwork. His patient was sick and after hours of treatment being delayed, Mr. H found a way to get his treatment and the patient was alright. Unfortunately Mr. H's employer didn't back him up and terminated him. To add insult to injury they reported him to board and his case has not been resolved. I truly feel that the state will find in his favor, but not knowing is awful. It also has interfered with his schooling as he intends to pursue further licensure but with his current license status up in the air he feels stuck. His ability to work is not affected but the career that I always felt was recession proof has shown to not be so. The jobs are just not available.

What started as grieving has probably turned into depression. And when one person in the family is down and out it tends to affect us all. Arguments happen, blame happens, teamwork is disrupted. Then add in things like loss of medical insurance (my recovery includes the need for many medications, expensive medications) and financial difficulties...it's just a big mess. There seems to be no end in sight.

So that is where we are right now. Again I didn't want to share all of this because it's not positive or pleasant or entertaining. But it's real and I'm real. I intend on sharing more but I promise to not just dwell on the negative. The truth is that despite this season...I am blessed. We are blessed. I definitely hope that things will change soon and that in the meantime we will try to keep the girl's lives as usual the best we can.

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Warning: No Rainbows or Butterflies Here Today

Guess I need to point out the obvious, June has not been the NaBloPoMo month for me. But it's not my fault. Honest. (Some have asked what that stands for, it's National Blog Posting Month. Which really doesn't make a lot of sense since it happens every month. It's simply a way to motivate yourself to the challenge of blogging every day for a month. They offer daily writing prompts. I think they may award prizes, too).

So back to how it's not my fault. June hasn't been very kind to us. In fact, it's been downright sucky. Mr. H has lost his job. And not just lost his job as in laid off, but actually fired. If that's not bad enough, there may be repercussions he'll have to face outside of the job. So yeah, not good. Normally I worry, a lot. Sometimes obsessively. This mess however, has left me at a loss for words. We've talked about it and all, but for the most part I've been calm. Until today.

One of our financial advantages is that we have older vehicles which are paid off. But we also have something called bad "carma". This rule in our world dictates that if one vehicle somehow breaks, the other must always follow suit and become broken as well. Mr. H's car has been out of commission for awhile now. He wasn't sure if he should get it repaired or purchase a newer car, since it's a bit old and probably worth less than the cost of the repairs needed. (I have no idea what's wrong with it). Fortunately, he's not the fastest acting guy in these types of situations so he did not buy a new to us car, complete with a monthly payment, only to get fired. And we still had my minivan. Which broke down yesterday. It's getting a new fuel pump for $700. Yikes. Because of the "carma" situation, I should have seen this coming. It always happens this way.

So now the severity of the whole job loss thing is hitting me. I'm starting to stew. Mr. H had commented last week that he was so thankful that I'd been so supportive and understanding of the situation. And really I have been. I hate to disappoint him but now I really don't feel so easy come, easy go. When we met I was self-sufficient. Throughout most of our marriage I was the breadwinner. I would much rather have been a stay at home mom, though. You know that saying "Be careful what you wish for, it might come true?", that is exactly what happened to me. For the past three or so years I have been at home. Just under crappy circumstances. It took a long, long time to become comfortable being dependent on another person to support us. You know, because I can't *control* that person or their means of support.

Today I'm feeling rather let down. Kind of angry. Starting to worry. And resisting yelling "I told you so!!!" to Mr. H for the action that has caused these problems. Because it is true, I did tell him so. UGH!

I suppose it's best to stop here for now. I don't want to send out waves of negativity and run off my few but very appreciated readers out there. On a good note, school is out. The girls have been having fun. They've had a week to chillax, a week of art camp and this week is VBS. Our new pool should be arriving soon. I'm glad that I ordered it when I did, it would have been very hard to buy it knowing the current circumstances. And the girls really deserve it!

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woe is me, the final episode (hopefully)

The tooth is out.

I tried to justify skipping the visit or even postponing it. It's kind of hard to be willing go to a place that inflicts pain. Meaning that I have to be in an utmost and dire condition to willingly go to the dentist for an extraction. Problem was that I wasn't feeling that way at the time. Last week, I was and would gladly go through just about anything short of the way Tom Hanks took out his tooth in the movie Castaway. (Eek! Just thinking about that scene gives me the heebie jeebies). But of course they couldn't pull the tooth then because of the infection and how the anesthetic wouldn't take. OK so yeah, I'd better wait.

After just a couple doses of the antibiotics I was feeling better, so much better. I went through the whole "I'm better now" excuse. Yes it was denial. I knew that once the antibiotics were done, I'd be back to misery. Then there was the issue of the promise I made in prayer during the pain crisis interfering with Taylor Swift. I try to keep all of my promises, and God is definitely not one I want to break a promise with...cause I sort of already did...for a couple of weeks. OK the dentist was a must. I got plenty of pep talks, even from Kelley who has the worst case of dentist fear I've ever seen.

This is how it went down...a couple not so fun needle sticks to numb my mouth. Which didn't work. Followed by a few more really dreadful needle sticks into the sorest parts of my mouth with a different anesthetic. Ouch. But the dentist and assistant assured me I was doing great. And I was now numb. As far as I could tell there was some poking and prodding. A warning of feeling some pressure, not too bad. Another warning of feeling a lot of pressure. Yikes, yes that hurt. Oh crow, what's next?!

And what was next? "OK, you're all done. You did great!". Say what? All done? This was nothing at all like having four impacted wisdom teeth removed. This was a like in the park compared to that. Well, maybe not quite that. But you know what I mean. Of course I was still numb. Like a good patient I took my pain meds before the anesthetic wore off. Then my feeling came back and that was not good...at all. However, it wasn't as bad as some of the pain I had before I went to the dentist.

So, that's that. I hope this truly is the final episode and that my "empty spot" will heal quickly. Still needing to decide what to do with this spot. I have 3 choices, a bridge that would affect the teeth on each side (the problem tooth was the next to last molar on the bottom right). I prefer to not do that, my teeth are pretty healthy and I don't want to do anything to compromise them. Then there is the "frankenstein" tooth, which is essentially a tooth that connects to a screw in my jaw. That sounds creepy and of course is the most expensive option but would not interfere with the surrounding teeth. It would completely use up the year of Mr. H's health savings account and then some. Or I could just leave it as an empty spot. But I just don't know if I could do that. I'm kind of a freak about teeth. And I'd feel all uneven. (Just a little OCD thing I have about my body. Worthy of it's own post. I'll spare you that...for now).

Any input? Have any of you been faced with with similar choices? What did you decide? And thanks for following along with all of my woe is me posts. I know this hasn't made for the most captivating blog series. *blush*

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oh, woe is me...still

OK totally kidding about the whole "woe is me" thing. The intense pain comes and goes, but I am able to deal with it. Most of the time.

I did want to give an update though...

The tooth in question is still with me. It's plainly seen from an outward glance that something is quite wrong. They took x-rays and apparently it's quite a bit worse than I realized. It will need to come out, but today wasn't the day. Apparently there is so much abscessed and infected areas right down to the bone and if they injected a numbing agent, it wouldn't take. There is no area available to absorb the med and therefore it wouldn't numb anything. Obviously given that circumstance, I wasn't about to argue.

So the plan is a week of round the clock antibiotics and then an extraction in a week. The assistant said it will likely be a surgical extraction and that was how they were going to explain it to the insurance company. I have no idea what the difference is. Not sure I want to know the details.

I'm disappointed that the tooth can't be saved. I've always been a freak about teeth. It probably wasn't my fault that this happened to begin with, but it is totally my fault that it got this bad. So a lesson with consequences for me. Fortunately it's a molar tooth way in the back. And they can permanently install some sort of "frankentooth" that won't affect the teeth surrounding it.

Also, they've discovered some adverse effects to my gums from chemotherapy. They apparently have a plan in mind for that, which I hope will reverse the bad effects.

Guess I'll be spending atleast another week clutching my bottle of Motrin and looking like this:

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interruption in blog land for a *woe is me* moment, and a public service announcement

Have I mentioned my teeth? I can't remember, likely I have. Be warned this is going to be whiny. But perhaps I can save another from the drama and pain of a tooth gone wrong.

A little back history...I was born and blessed with good teeth. There was no fear of the dentist when I was a kid because I never had a cavity, ever. Well, no fear until it was found that I had four impacted wisdom teeth that needed to be removed. When they told me that I was scared! So I did what I do well and procrastinated until they were so painful I couldn't take it anymore. At that point, I needed them out RIGHT NOW! and since I couldn't get a right now appointment with an oral surgeon who would put me to sleep to take the teeth out, I went to the regular dentist and had all four impacted wisdom teeth removed while I was wide awake. I experienced every single bit of it. The dentist was a kind man, I eventually recovered from the whole dental trauma and I moved on. But, "the dentist" now was a scary thing.

Good teeth, good oral hygiene and all...fell victim to adulthood. The old wives' tale "for every child the mother loses a tooth". Chemo and radiation therapy. And just plain old age. I developed a cavity or two. No fun, but I had them filled and fortunately this occurred after they stopped using that silver colored stuff for fillings. All was well for a few years. Then I noticed a dark spot on a molar tooth. It screamed "CAVITY!" to me. Over the course of a couple years and a couple dentists I was assured that it was not a cavity just a stain. I was not certain, but I trusted them. After I finished chemo and radiation, I thought it would be a good idea to go for a check up. This particular dentist is the son of the dentist who removed my wisdom teeth who had long since been retired. That stain? Was a cavity! And no longer the kind that could be filled. He said words like "root canal" and "crown" and I ran away as fast as I could.

Life in denial was going well til a few months ago when that tooth broke. I was crunching an Everlasting Gobstopper of all things...a jaw-breaker. Ugh. Tooth-breaker. But it was only a smallish break and it didn't hurt. Now I knew better but continued my due diligence with procrastination. The tooth started to hurt. Not bad all the time, but bad enough some of the time. Motrin became routine. Procrastination continued. Then it really started to hurt. Badly. More Motrin and now Orajel were in my arsenal. I'd never had toothaches before, but those who have...warned me. They told me to go to the dentist because it would only get worse. However, after a few days of pain, it would stop. Then come back, then stop.

When we went out of town for a mini-vacation to see Taylor Swift the toothache came back with a vengeance. It was bad. I stepped up my care to left-over Lidocaine from the chemo mouth sore days and that stuff called "Red Cross" which is some sort of clover oil concoction. Neither helped and let me just tell you now-don't ever try that "Red Cross" stuff. Horrible! People have claimed that a toothache could hurt as much as childbirth, to which I always thought was a bit of a stretch. Well I can now personally vouch for this. After having two completely natural labor and deliveries, a toothache can in fact hurt just as badly. Maybe even worse.

I really didn't want to ruin our vacation and wanted to actually enjoy the concert. I prayed about it, and I may have made a promise to get to the dentist as soon as we got home if I could just have some easing of the pain. And no lie! About an hour before the concert my tooth stopped hurting completely. What a blessing. But I confess...I forgot about that little promise I made. I mean, the tooth was feeling better and I was probably all caught up in the excitement of Taylor Swift and all. I think I remembered the promise a week ago or so. And I felt pretty guilty. But I still didn't call the dentist.

In the past couple of days the tooth has been hurting again, pretty badly. Last night my dinner was mashed potatoes. I woke in the middle of the night and I knew then that there was trouble, big trouble. Not being brave enough to look, I took an "Army's dose" and a half of Motrin, a dose of my prescribed pain pills. I eventually was able to go back to sleep. I woke up this morning with an instant reminder of the problem. I went to brush my teeth...and oh holey crow! I resemble a chipmunk with a cheek full of nuts. I peeked into my mouth and gasped. I'm not a doctor, but I was clearly able to diagnose myself with an abscessed tooth. Oh.My.Word.

So let's just end with this...if you make a promise to God-you better keep it. Toothaches can rival natural childbirth. A molehill can turn into a mountain (almost literally). I have a dentist appointment in two hours. And I'm scared! Please learn some sort of valuable lesson here, think of me as taking one for the team!

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my swagbucks are broken

Yes, you read that right. My swagbucks? Broken. How does this sort of thing happen? How did I do that? Only me, I tell ya, only me...

It all started right after they started giving 10 and 20 bucks instead of 1 or 2. I searched, and won! I had to enter a 3 letter code, but before I could do it...the whole thing just vanished.

*poof*

Now I can tell when I should have won. There's a big, blank, buckless area. My total doesn't increase. And it's just such a shame. Really. One of the highlights of my day was winning swagbucks. Yes, you may have occasionally heard a "sqee!" out of me when I won. All is not completely lost, I get a random buck here or there for having the toolbar. Alas, it is not enough.

I've contacted them, the swagbucks people, and they seem to be trying to help. Asking me various questions about my computer and browser, asking for screen shots of the elusive swagbucks. But try as they might, my problem has not been fixed. And it's a bummer.

By the way, if you haven't started using swagbucks instead of your normal searching methods...well you need to start. Seriously, it's a win/win! You do your usual internet searching and they give you bucks. Then you can trade bucks in for all sorts of things- gift cards, prizes, etc. If you want you can sign up under me *here* , then when you start searching and winning, I will win too. Up to 100 swagbucks per referral. Make sure that you pass along your referral link, too. Another win/win!

Now if only they'd hurry and fix my swagbucks...I'd be a happier girl! And seriously who besides me could manage to break their swagbucks?!

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heavy-hearted and honest sharing of the funk

This is likely going to be a "woe is me" post, feel free to skip it if you're looking for a cheery read.

I'm feeling pretty down today. Well, truthfully I've been in a bit a funk for awhile. In full disclosure this funk has clung to me or me to it for a long time, a couple of years probably. It's wearing me down now. Today my feelings of sadness and disbelief of how my life has changed are pretty strong. Perhaps letting these feelings out will help.

I know how and why I've gotten to this place, well mostly. But completely at a loss on how to get out of it. I'm trying though, really.

There is so much joy in my heart and in my imagination. The littlest things can completely make my spirit sing. There's something or some things that seem hell bent on smothering that joy. Maybe it's me or maybe it's just the way life is.

When I was working, I worked a lot. Some days it was a standard 8 hours, some days closer to 12. All too often I would work my job, then have to come back and fill in another whole shift at night. (This is the type of thing that they don't tell you about in nursing school). It sucked so much time and energy out of me I often felt I had nothing left. It caused a certain amount of stress which led to anxiety and even depression. I missed my girls. I was fortunate to be able to stay home for Kelley's first year which sadly was filled with other things that took away from what should have been the best year of my life. Bethany however missed out completely, I went back to work before her sixth week, during off hours that Mr. H was home. Actually, I missed out completely.

I would think about all of the ways life would be better if only I didn't have to work so much. If only I could stay home. What fun I would have with Kelley and Bethany. I would do this and do that. If only...

Now it's been close to three years since I've worked. This is not by choice but by necessity of my health. I met many people when I had lymphoma who were also in various stages of battling the disease, Hodgkin's and Non-Hodgkin's. Some had less treatment, some had more. And now so many of them have gotten back to life and I haven't. This isn't fair, I'll think, why am I not back to way it was before? Oh yeah, I had a complication or two. Permanent complications, unless I opt to have this set of hideous surgeries. The ones that my Vascular Specialist can do, but doesn't want to do. The ones that my Oncologist and Osteopath both say, they'd rather I not. So, it appears that I'm stuck.

But remember how I wanted to be home so badly? Now I am. However it's not the way I planned, not at all. The girls are in school now. I am so happy to be there when they get off the bus. Their "work day" ends now when school is out, not when my work day is done like it was before. That's a great thing about being home.

The rest though? It's so strange, I have all of this time now. My days and nights run into each other. I often feel anxious like I did when I was working, as if there isn't enough time. This is a mystery to me. My obligations are few. In fact they are so few that I have become a bit of a recluse.

At first it was because I was exhausted from treatments and I had no hair. Then it was because I had started retaining fluid and looked so huge and round and puffy. It looked so odd on my short and smallish frame and I was embarrassed. When I would go out, I found that I could function ok for the day, but the next day was awful-full of pain and fatigue.

As a result, came seclusion. I stopped visiting with and talking on the phone with my friends. Allowing my only interactions with the outside world being online. I've turned down so many requests of friends who wanted to get together. I wasn't a big TV watcher, but I stopped watching TV completely, even the few shows I really enjoyed. I love music, but stopped listening to it. This became so obvious when I tried to think of songs I liked from 2008/2009 and found I only knew a handful of them. My picture taking has slowed down quite a bit, not remembering the last time I shared new pictures of the girls. (even beyond the missing camera mystery) That is just not me!

Another thing that makes me sad is how much I've come to rely on others and how I've changed the way they live their life. That has to be stressful for them. I am blessed with amazing parents who would do anything for me. I don't often have to ask them, they anticipate my needs ahead of time. Mr. H's life has become complicated. Some of the changes I believe are good for him, helping him to become the leader of our household. But some of it isn't good. He's a hospice nurse. He takes care of sick and dying patients, when he's not working though, he is still taking care of me. He can't get away from it. There are so many days that I am pretty low physically or emotionally. He has to deal with the physical help, making sure I have all of my medications, and also being on the receiving end of the emotional overload that spills out of me. Oh, my parents have had to deal with that too. And the girls. Everyone does. Back to Mr. H, he also does the bulk of our shopping and assists me with taking care of Kelley and Bethany. It's a lot. He even started taking college classes this semester and that makes me proud. Maybe college is a nice respite from the home. This is something I encourage him to do often, get out of the house and do something he enjoys, spend time with friends, even take a night or two to spend at a hotel to just be alone and relax. Unfortunately he doesn't often do any of it, maybe he's too worn out. His stress level is high and that's not good for any of us.

As for the girls, they are doing ok. I think. I hope. The initial fear of something happening to me seems to have passed. They are happy and healthy. School is going well. Outside of school they spend time with friends, spend time with my parents every weekend, are involved in church and usually an activity-currently softball. But there are clues that they miss the old life we had. Especially with Bethany. When I wear the perfume I used to wear to work she always notices it and then follows with a "remember when" story. Since I don't go out often my normal attire is pajamas. When I do get dressed even just in a jeans and tee, Bethany is completely wowed and tells me how beautiful I look.

All in all, we are surviving. But I know that I have disrupted so many lives and continue to. This makes me sad, angry, guilty. It makes me want to push myself harder physically and that inevitably ends up not so great. Humbled, the emotions overflow.

One thing that interests me is all of the neat things I want to learn and create. There's time for that now. My intentions are well meaning but when it comes right down to it I never seem to be able to start any of the tasks. I have so many plans. But it's a dichotomy of sorts. Believing that these goals will help me rise above the funk. And often unable to begin working on the things I want to do because I'm stuck in a funk. The one thing that I love and haven't lost the ability or desire to do is read, so I'm always reading. It's my hope that very soon the list of things I'm doing will grow.

There are some actual accomplishments that I must share in order to not come off as completely pathetic. I'm going out more. Taking some of the workload off of Mr. H (not much, just a bit), I'm running more quick errands instead of asking him. We have had date nights out of the house, which he loves. I'm getting out more with Kelley and Bethany, which they love. Spring softball started for them a few weeks ago. This endeavor is something that I do with them all on my own and we haven't missed a practice. I enjoy it as much as they do, maybe even more. We're going to see Taylor Swift in concert this Friday, part of Bethany's birthday gift. All of us are excited about that! These things may seem small but in my reality they are in fact big deals. I hope that my family feels the same. And I hope it's a start of progress.

Through my old job I met a friend who I had a lot in common with, sometimes I think we may be kindred spirits. Our lives have now ended up in similar circumstances where she is now disabled like me and at home full time. After we parted ways at work, we still spoke daily and spent time together. But as I fell into the funk, she is one of the many that I stopped communicating with the past couple years. No more visits or phone calls, just an occasional email. She would ask over and over for me to call her or visit or let her come to me. My answer was always an apologetic no. I have no real reason for why I shut her out but I did. Over the past couple days we have been exchanging emails and I finally asked her if I could come back into her life and maybe stop over sometime soon to visit. Thankfully she said yes. This is something that I hope I will do. It's something I need to do. Another step out of this pit of despair and self imposed isolation.

For all of you who have asked how I've been doing and got an answer that things were fine, good, etc. All of this is the real answer. Not wanting to be a "Debbie Downer", I tried to appear upbeat. To the few of my friends that I've kept it real with, I thank you for always listening and never becoming bored or exasperated with me. Thank you for helping me make it through my darkest of days.

As for those dark days, yes this was another one. This one though, I've shared with everyone. It must have been therapeutic to let it all out as I feel a bit lighter. Not sure that I really want to hit submit, but I've said to lots of people, lots of times that I am open, honest and own my words. So here they are. To all of you that have made it this far...thank you!

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so sick of spam!

not the pretend meat like stuff that comes in a can.

the junk that clutters our email inboxes.

and now it seems to have found it's way to the comments on my blog. at first it was just once in awhile that i'd get a spam comment. now it's too much. more spam than actual comments.

i always get so excited when i have comments. one of the joys of being a "not a big time blogger". i'm so disappointed to realize that it's some sort of advertisement or written in a language i don't understand.

i heart comments. not spam.

why is this happening? and how do i make it stop?

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it's hard being a parent these days...

i've been thinking about parenting styles lately. there are so many variations. mr. h was raised in the south by relatives that were grandparent age and very conservative. that has left an impact on him, though he often doesn't admit to it. he thinks children should always obey, etc. he's pretty strict. i was raised in ohio and then south florida-which is really not part of "the south". attitudes towards things were different. and while my parents were not afraid to discipline me, they also let me have my "freedom". i'm not much like mr. h when it comes to how we believe children should behave. while i certainly don't want them to act like brats, i'm more open to just letting them be kids. but it goes even deeper than just discipline.

there are now these defined parenting types like "free range" and "helicopter". which are exactly as the words mean. free range allows kids to be on their own to explore and grow without having their parent standing beside them all the time. where helicopter parents tend to hover over their kids, watching and monitoring every move. as for my parenting style, i'd like to think i'm in the middle most of the time. i really would like to be more of a free range parent and have been reading the blog, free range kids, which you can check out *here*.

but...

as i am reading this blog and truly thinking about the type of parent that i really am, i think i am too much like the helicopter, hovering. and probably smothering. i don't like that! i don't want to be that way. the world is so dangerous these days isn't it?! it must be different than the world was when i was a kid. i mean why else would i have turned into a hovering mom?

as a kid/preteen/teen, i spent so much time outside, free to go to parks, friend's houses, etc. i'd be out all day long and i'm sure that many times i covered quite a few miles during my adventures. that was normal for then and we all turned out ok. my parents left me home alone starting at a fairly young age-younger than my girls are now. i was babysitting little children when i was 12 or 13. there weren't many restrictions on tv shows or movies, i was able to listen to any music i wanted and read whatever books interested me.

as a parent, i worry, a lot. not so much about tv, movies, music or books. about the girls' "freedom". kelley is 10 1/2 and bethany is 9. i'll confess some of my helicoptering ways...other than family the girls have never stayed with a babysitter. every single day when one of them asks to go get the mail from the box across the street i tell them to "watch for cars!", yes every single time. i hold their hands when we walk in a parking lot. when kelley had just started 1st grade i insisted on walking her to class. then i would walk her to the main hall and watch as she walked off and turned down the hall to her class. the teacher monitoring the halls asked me "is she in kindergarten?". i felt so silly worrying that she was going to get lost. (though in my defense here, both girls are very tiny...kelley has always been the smallest in her grade and probably the grade behind hers). and the school bus? there was no way i could imagine shipping the girls off on the bus and then having them arrive *alone* at school. no way, i drove them! we only started utilizing the bus last year when the girls were in 2nd and 4th grade.

the bus was a big turning point for our family. before the bus, the girls were only allowed to play in our yard. just them, they didn't know other kids lived in the neighborhood. that is until they rode the bus. it was then that we started letting them go play with friends. now that was nerve wracking! and i made it worse by not having good boundaries set up for them. for a very short time, they had sweet freedom at an abundance. it didn't take long to realize that they weren't responsible enough for that much freedom. however, i take a lot of the fault for that. the lack of defined boundaries and the assumption that they would know the proper way to handle their freedom. they had no clue, because they had never been given the smallest opportunity to be on their own. we have well defined boundaries now. and rules, like letting me know where they will be and checking in to let me know of any changes in plans. oh, and bethany just can't be out without her sister. that is a recipe for disaster!

they've only recently started going places with friends in another person's car, and those events are always accompanied with much worry on my part. they went to their first sleepover at another friend's home a few months ago, who lives on the same street, and i could not sleep that night. seriously. me, who sleeps as a sport, was back to having the mothering instincts like i did when they were newborns. i'm still not sure what i felt i could do being wide awake at home when kelley and bethany weren't even there.

yes i hover. and probably do smother, too. it's because the world is dangerous right? it is much different than when i grew up. but is it really dangerous? or am i worrying too much? i don't want to be the helicopter mom and i've been in denial about it for years. it's time to change. though i'm not sure if i'll ever be raising free range kids. it is hard!

so, now i turn to you all...what type of parenting style do you have? and am i hovering way too much?

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what a fine mess i've gotten myself into...

literally. a big ole mess. so messy i don't even know where to start. so instead i'll just sit and blog about it. that's the best way to deal with anything overwhelming right? just ignore it!

what makes all of this all the more stressful is that mr. h and i are going out of town...tomorrow. i am so not a good traveler. packing isn't bad. getting the pets taken care of isn't too bad-daisy the princess pug is going with the girls, the kittens are going to the kitty hotel (i had a feeling someone might sneak them to the pound while i was gone. i know what the pound does to kittens. that plan is thwarted!) and the big boys and tortoise are staying home. but i have this crazy obsession that the house should be spotless before we leave. why? i mean we're not even going to be here. it's some trait that i inherited from my mom. which is a cruel trick because i'm a neatnik trapped in a packrat's body. so, the house is not going to be spotless-it's an impossible thing. you'll understand why in a moment. and that causes me stress. i also don't do well on long car trips-i prefer flying. the jetson's had little flying vehicles so why don't we? once i arrive at the destination, i have fun. so there's that.

i'm still on the look out for my camera. the house is a disaster-i'm still getting to that. but i have a feeling that it's not here. that likely means it's at my parents house where i last used it. maybe the car? who knows. hope it's *somewhere* as i really took tons of pictures. and it would be nice to have for our trip. sigh.

ok so the disaster. seriously bad. the girls are messy. and they have stuff. and we don't have a lot of space. and they share a room. and these are not good things. it amazes me how quickly they can trash their room, but can't put it back together. it is overwhelming, i get that. so i'm the one who cleans their room. when i do it i always incorporate a major purge session, find a place for everything and put everything in it's place. and i just did this not too long ago. my efforts last, oh, about an hour or two.

prior to christmas it was near impossible to open the door. and the floor? well it was missing. gone. "girls, go clean your room" was often followed by weeping, wailing and the gnashing of teeth. and it never happened. my goal was to head in there with trash bags and get to work so that when the got their new loot from christmas their room would be ready. except i didn't do it. i guess i was busy...reading blogs and books, napping and getting ready for christmas.

so the other day i decided it's time. which probably wasn't time because there's christmas stuff everywhere and mt. laundry and all that. but bad call or not...we started. instead of me trying to maneuver around the disaster zone of a room, i had the great idea to have the girls start bringing stuff out into the living room. thinking as they bring it out little by little i would be standing by with my trash bag. it was working well. the room was completely emptied out-and there was in fact still a floor. i'm sure it was overjoyed as it was vacuumed all nice and pretty.

eventually i ran out of steam, and was dismayed to see that our living room now looked like their bedroom had but even worse with all of their new christmas loot. which by the way, are my kids the only kids who must open up every package, take out all of the gazillion pieces to not play with really, just to go to the next-lather, rinse and repeat? this made me really cranky as i see zhu zhu pet parts and mindflex thingies all over the place, having no idea what goes with what and the game boxes missing. ugh! if only they understood what santa and mama had to do to get those must have hot toys of the season. and darn it, i still haven't gotten to see the zhu zhu hamsters in action. i think i'll just get my own. hmpf! i really want jillie, the cute little pink and white girl. ok i'm getting off topic aren't i?

back to the pretty bedroom...the girls set up a spot for their american girls-they got little armoir/vanities for julie and felicity which i hope will help keep everything together and free up room in the toybox, etc. and little by little we start moving toys in. i see a bit of a love triangle happening though as edward is running off on horseback with taylor swift...bella is so not going to be happy. i'm not sure where bella is. maybe she's off playing with the zhu zhu hamsters.

the point of all of this is that this time tomorrow we will be on our way to jacksonville to see bobby bowden coach his last game. i'm not a seminole fan, but i can appreciate that he has a legacy and mr. h admires him...so for one day i'll pretend. but there is no way and i mean no way that the house is going to be in spotless condition which again is a must whenever i travel. this causes me great stress. heck i don't even know if i can manage to get the girls and the puggy princess packed up for their vacay at mammie and papa's house at this point. which reminds me that i need to do an emergency load of laundry. oy. and knowing our luck some robber is going to break in, trip over the junk that's everywhere, and then sue us for personal injury and likely win the case.

i guess that i'm going to have to make it a xanax moment and just go with the flow. and i'll make sure the kitchen sink is emptied and shiny. that flylady woman would be so proud!

sometime next year, 2010, (wow how weird does that sound? we really should have personal little flying vehicles by now) i'll hopefully have found the camera and share our christmas photos. i'll find a place for everything and put everything in it's place. and we have some really great ideas for maximizing our space and redecorating. i got a beautiful new bed set and bathroom set! and some of my online friends are participating in "project 65 in 365" which sounds like a great way to give me some goals and stuff for the new year! stay tuned...

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well...

so now what? nablopomo is over and i admit i'm feeling a little lost. hmmm...



in other news, i'm a bit crabby today. i just had a big bowl of chocolate ice cream with hershey's syrup on top. i'm hoping this will keep the crabby mood from progressing to a stabby mood. it's one of those girl things.

there was a post card in the mail today from UPS, addressed to my cat. well the first name was misspelled, but the last name was right. and for good measure they included (feline) with the name. the reason for the post card? well, my cat's medication has to be delivered and UPS stated they couldn't deliver the package because there was no such address on it.

with so many things wrong with this whole scenario i don't even know where to start. the post card informed me that i could pick the package up at their office with proper photo ID. or they would return to sender tomorrow. the office is an hour away, so really do i want to drive to pick it up? nope. and photo ID? the package is addressed to a cat! will my photo ID work? cause it's not addressed to me. and goodness gracious please don't send it back, my cat needs the medication!

so i call UPS and explain all of this. and i have to ask..."ma'am the address that is on the post card is correct, is that the same address on the package that had no such address? because i did receive the post card just fine". "well yes" she said, "but the post card was sent through the regular mail not UPS". uh huh, ok but this tells me that the address on the package was correct and really was deliverable. she had a hard time grasping what i was trying to say.

okie dokie.

she says they will try to deliver it again tomorrow. i assure her that the UPS man that delivers here really should know us, as i do shop online, like totally way too much.

i guess i'll have to wait and see if i get the package tomorrow.

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14.

today is day 14 of nablopomo and i need to post something.

i don't have anything funny or thoughtful to write about today.

to be honest the past few days have been pretty rough. my family and i found out some really bad news about someone who is very dear to us. i can't share details, truth is i don't want to.

i've been thinking and thinking about it ever since i found out. today the thoughts finally escaped me, the emotions flowed out and continue to empty in the form of big tears.

this has brought back some sadness and anger from situations in the past as well.

there are people and a family out there that must be hurting because of these situations. i want so badly to do something, anything, to help...but i can't.

that is where i am today, day 14.

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siblings...the best laid plans

do you have siblings? were you close with them while growing up? how about now?

me? i'm an only child. as a kid i hated it. it took me many, many hopeful years to realize that brothers and sisters just weren't going to happen. i still am sad about not having a sibling. it was lonely then and it is still lonely now.

being an only child certainly did come with benefits. there was only one of me, so things stretched a little further and i didn't go without. in fact, i usually ended up with the things i wanted. (there are a few things i didn't get that are now inside family jokes). i did get my dream car for my 16th birthday. fortunately my dream car was an old one and less expensive than other cars. if i had wanted a bmw or something like that, i would have been out of luck. my parents felt strongly about being able to send me to college. they both had to work their way through college on their own. had i chosen a traditional wedding, i'm really sure they would have made it a beautiful occasion. so it seems that when they decided to just have me, their life experiences played a big part in it. they wanted to offer me so much opportunity and they did. (thanks mom and dad i love you both so much!)

but at the other end i was the only one with which things were judged. meaning, my parents at a time, thought i was on "the highway to hell". i think that they now maybe realize i was just a normal kid/teen. they just had nothing to compare me against. and really i ended up turning out ok.

my friends all had siblings. and one of my bestest of friends was the middle of three daughters. ever have one of those friends that seemed perfect, the whole family seemed perfect, and you really wanted to be part of that family? yep, that's how i viewed them. i'm really lucky and happy that even now after all of these years, i'm in touch with all three sisters. i know they've had their bumps along the way. but to me they will always be the "perfect family".

fast forward to my family. i definitely wanted three kids, girls, that were fairly close in age. i admit it, i wanted my family to resemble the family of my friend. kelley and bethany are close in age (18 months apart). my hope for them was that they would be instant BFF's. i'll admit that even after all these years (the girls are almost 9 and 10 1/2) i have baby fever like there's been a rabid outbreak. however, having another is not likely to happen. mr. h is just not on board with that idea.

so back to siblings. kelley and bethany. close in age, both girls, the best of friends. right? no. wrong. at best this only lasted through the preschool age when they called each other "sissy" for sister. sometime after that it became a love/hate relationship which it remains to this day. we have issues that i never even dreamed of. not quite to the point of wearing each others clothes without permission, but we're getting there. right now the biggest quarrel involves friends. "but she was my friend first!". if i had a dollar for every time i've heard that...

i do anticipate (hope) that this will change next year. this will be the first time in four years that they will be attending different schools, different busses (and if they had their way, living in different states). we also are anticipating the possibility for them to have their own rooms in the coming future. yes, maybe this will all help.

remember the stories of our grandparents and great-grandparents "when i was your age, i had to walk ten miles to school, uphill, in snow, with hand me down shoes"? here it sounds more like "when i was your age, i didn't have a sister to play with and be friends with. it was lonely. when i played board games, i had to play the left hand against the right hand"!

*sigh* if only they realized how nice it could be to have each other...

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

p.s. remember "little baby girl" is only part of my dream family. no, i'm not trying to tell you all any news. =)

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confessions and deep thoughts of a quiet blogger

i know, i haven't been blogging much. it's a shame because i enjoy blogging. during my dry spell i have spent lots of time reading other blogs. trying out new ones, and collecting the ultimate collection of blogs on my reader.

remember how i use to post pictures all the time? i don't know what's happened, i have taken lots of pictures over the months but for some reason they've just been sitting in the memory card. the card is full now. so i must upload them and get back to sharing soon. if i remember correctly there's lots of neat things that have happened. so i guess i will have plenty of catch up fodder.

there's been no lacking in topics to talk about. though i have to admit that i'm leery of talking about things. it's really sad to me. i remember not too long ago that we all could just "talk". we didn't agree on everything, but that was the cool part we could share and learn. and we did. i know exactly when it changed, but i'm not sure why. it changed with this past election cycle. what is confusing to me is why the "divisions" of us have become so blatant. for as long as i've been voting, most elections have been closely divided, usually just off from 50/50. but even then talk despite the differences came easily.

so what is new now? it seems like people as a whole are viciously over protective of "their" people. to be honest i know that there's been times that i've been this way too. i really don't like the way it's changed. long lasting friendships where we use to be able to talk about everything now seem strained. i love to talk about our world, it's good to get lots of viewpoints in my opinion. but now i am afraid to bring things up for fear that i am seriously upsetting someone. in some instances i think i'm forgotten as the person known for years to now just being the person who is viciously trying to slander someone. i'm not inventing information, merely sharing it and asking for thoughts. i don't expect everyone's thoughts to be the same. that would be boring and i'd never learn anything.

and again i'm not immune from this same thing. i am completely guilty of putting someone on a pedestal and then be quick to defend if i think this person has been wronged (it was elizabeth edwards if you are wondering, i think she's a good person who has had way too much crap in her life). after a particular situation i had to stop, really, and acknowledge every one is human. some act in ways that are less than they should. some go above and beyond for their causes. some are right. some are wrong. some are classy. some are down home. some are fake. some are sincere. some are rude. some should speak up more. and some have had more than their fair share of 15 minutes of fame-ok there's several who's time should be running out fast. but all in all, they are all people. all from the same creator. and all with the same limited time on our planet.

all of that being said. i think i may on occasion "talk". i'm well aware that i'm probably alone in my like of keith olbermann or having never watched john and kate plus 8. i may completely be the odd person out. and that's ok. if i share a thought my only hope is that who ever is reading will think their thoughts and feel free to share them, try to see the reasoning of my thoughts if they're different. and it can happen nicely. because...we're friends.

oh and hopefully i'll get back to sharing the things that are going on here. with pictures.

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mr. heather has taken charge!

all weekend long, valentine's weekend no less, and mr. heather is making us work! the nerve! the heck?!

remember my laundry conundrum? and the hopes of mr. heather buying his very own (his first) home? well he is taking charge...wanting to make sure that HIS home is not cluttered to the ceilings with stashes of girly clothes. and so i guess he is trying to teach us a very valuable lesson.

he has pulled out all of the clothes (i tend to hide them so i don't have to think about them or even worse...deal with them) and he has put us to work. we have sorted, making sure the "high maintenance" items are set aside to be done by me, and the rest...well get this- mr. heather is actually washing them. and...bless his heart he is actually stain treating.

the girls then do their part of folding and putting things away. and oh wow they are NOT happy about this. but i do believe this may be a good thing. especially for miss bethany who changes clothes waaaaay too many times a day. or miss kelley who has regressed back to toddler-hood and really ought to be required to wear a bib. (don't tell her i told you that)

now i have to tell you this, just incase you are wondering why on earth i would let this laundry situation get so out of control. it's not that i'm a total slacker, well maybe i am a little, but...our washer and dryer are not inside our home. the utility room is in the garage. and it seems the people who originally built the house decided on a garage as an after thought. to get into the garage and utility room you actually have to go outside then into the garage. and remembering where i live...it is very hot and humid. and remembering that i have a wonky body...it actually requires a bit more physical effort than i often have lugging baskets to and fro. ok and yes i'm a bit of a slacker, but i already confessed that-so no need to dwell.

despite that we are "working", i will admit that i am actually thrilled that there is hope that by this time tomorrow, the girly laundry will be all caught up!

and a little update on mr. heather's house hunting. he has found a house that he adores. it is really nice! what he adores most about the house is that there are no neighbors. seriously NO neighbors. he has made an offer and the sellers have accepted the offer. the hold up? well the home is a "short sale", i don't know too much about this other than it is a step before foreclosure and that many times homes like these will sell for less than what is owed. so as of right now, the current lender is reviewing the offer-they make the final decision. we've been told that this can take a couple of weeks so right now we are waiting. trying not to get too excited, but still very excited!

oh and this possible new home? has a utility room inside the house! such a crazy little thing, but i will never take that for granted. ever.

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just set it and forget it...

wow do i miss those days.

by the way, i'm talking laundry.

i miss the days of not only set it and forget it, but when the biggest laundry crisis was losing a sock. (which by the way never happened when it was just kelley, no it seems the sock monster strikes only in households of more than one child).

and in defense of what i'm about to share...for the first several years i dressed my girls happily and thankfully in hand me downs given to us. and when i splurged it was on osh kosh and carter's.

most of you know exactly what i'm talking about with this laundry thing. but for any of you who don't, i'll explain. about four years ago i entered into a different phase of shopping for girl's clothes. it seemed like a win-win...buy the cuter, better made, a little pricier clothes. which if you shopped the sales right, it really made the prices comparable. but what really made this cool was that when the season was done, so were the clothes. no hand me downs. no wearing clothes til they were outgrown. nope, the clothes were sold on ebay. for pretty decent money, sometimes even more than i originally paid. in essence buying nice clothes for almost free!

sounds like a great deal huh? it is. and imagine having the best dressed kids around. it's fun.

however, there is a hefty price to pay for this hobby. it's called laundry. you can't just throw it in the wash, toss in the dryer fold it up and be done with it. nope. you have to slave over stains. wash in a very delicate manner and avoid the dryer at all costs. it is really a lot of work. (actually selling the clothes on ebay is too, but i cheat sometimes and let trading assistants do that for me).

a not so funny-ish story...when i found out i had cancer, i had to spend over a week in the hospital. and i fretted the entire time about the girl's wardrobe, would the outfits be matched together right, what if something isn't stain treated and it gets tossed into the drier, so i begged, pleaded with the family left at home helping out to please, don't wash anything. please, just leave it. well they didn't-they wanted to help, bless them. and when i got home and tried to put the closet back together, i cried, i panicked, i could not rest til it was back together. guess i had more than one sickness, huh?

well let me just say that after four years of this constant in and out of clothing. which by the way the girls could care less-their most prized possessions come from the mary kate and ashley line at walmart. well to use kelley's big word, it's become drudgery. (did i use that right?).

this laundry process is wearing me down. another fab little trick about the hobby is that you can actually get more clothes than they need because it's such a great deal. and because there is more, the clothes are in pristine condition when it's time to sell them. which means i can go longer between laundry sessions. way longer. and this is such a bad idea. i'm so backed up i could cry. seriously. it's that bad.

in 7th grade i went to school with a girl named randi, she was famed for never wearing the same outfit twice. and it was true. we're not talking jeans with different shirts. actual outfits, different ones, every single day. this year, i do believe i have two randi's.

so i have made a decision. the insanity will stop. i will not replace wardrobes every season. i will let the girls wear the clothes til they grow out of them. i will pass things down. when they need something i will get it, or if i see something that "i" just have to have for them.

this will not help me out of my current predicament. no. but when this season's batch is done. i will go back to just set it and forget it. you all will hold me to it right?

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sending out an S.O.S.

fellow mommies, i need your wisdom.

but first, i have found a little parenting tip that works-it really does! and i want to share it with you. i came up with it all on my own and if i may gloat just a bit...it's pure genius! =)

ya ready?

"because i said so!"

that's it! try it, i think the possibilities may be endless. my little darlings do not have a come back for it...yet.

ok, now my problem? i have a "tween". ok i'm not quite sure what a tween is. the daughter in question is 9 1/2.

we are fairly certain that puberty may be starting to rear it's uglies in the form of moodiness. and to be honest, i am moody. very moody. perhaps the most moody person i've ever met. until now. i know how truly miserable it is to be the moody one. but my goodness, it's pretty darn bad being on the receiving end. (sorry to all of you who have been on the receiving end from me. oops!)

so...how do we ease this? what can we do? what should we not do? and be honest-this is just the beginning isn't it? i'm afraid that it is going to get worse, much worse. and, and, and...some day soon we will have TWO of them at this point. eek!

i'm skeered! please help!

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isn't it ironic, don't ya think? a little too ironic...

for those of you on facebook-i'm sure you have noticed the tagging going on where you have to share random facts about yourself. as i'm reading about my peculiar...er interesting friends =), i have observed a trend among my awesome friends who have fought in the cancer battling journey.

now i have to throw a disclaimer in here: cancer is a horrible disease, i hate it, it ruins the lives of both those with cancer and their loved ones. there is absolutely nothing funny about cancer. and i'm not intending to make light of the situation.

that being said, when you are faced with crappy cancer-you have to make the best of it. you have to face reality that you might not be around for very long, you are being poisoned with chemotherapy and in some cases like mine even dosed with radiation. it's pretty miserable. but being human...vanity still exists. and it hurts too-especially when you find yourself bald. sometimes the only way to make it through the day is with humor.

a common thought is that cancer makes you sick which makes you skinny. right? wrong! i'm not sure about the treatments for all cancers but blood cancer treatments include very high doses of steroids. lots of them. there goes the hope for a slimmer you. i gained 15 pounds during chemo and was able to lose almost all of that during radiation. unfortunately though the steriods seem to really mess with metabolism. and without something heinous like radiation-it seems darn near impossible to get your body to normal and a comfortably smaller you. combined with some rare damage done to my body i have a problem with fluid retention and improperly draining veins. my upper body is freakishly out of proportion to the rest of me. so NOT cool. you would think that being bald would be enough-but nope bald and puffy. sort of like uncle fester. oh JOY.

so back to the facebook thing...many, many of us have the same complaint. cancer that made us not skinny, but plump. just doesn't really seem fair. for any of us. i do have to share that mr. heather tells me every single day that he only sees beauty in me. isn't that sweet? i don't believe him LOL, but he gets an "A" for effort.

BUT...not everyone is fortunate that i like i have been. i now have a head full of "natural" curls! something i've always wanted. bethany and God get the credit for that. bethany has naturally curly hair and was absolutely devastated when i lost my hair. i told her how much i really, really hoped that my hair would grow back curly just like hers. bethany prayed about it, a lot...and the answer was yes! i could not be more thrilled! though i will admit that i'm a bit unsure how to style my new hair. it was baby fine and ever so slightly wavy before. definitely i welcome any cut, styling and product tips for my new, thick curls.

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deep thoughts...

i have recently had this sudden big change in thoughts about my way in this world.

maybe it's age, or my experiences over the past couple years or even a sudden rash of unbelievably forward and sometimes just plain mean way people have kind of been to me.

yep all these years i've spent my time and energy kind of going back and forth between blending in and also asserting who i am as a person. it's been a contradiction to the say the least that often left me with an uneasy feeling.

i always thought it was a great thing to be able to blend in with so many groups. i figured it made me well rounded. and i totally love the differences, it is a good thing-when it goes both ways.

so here i am now thinking new thoughts. like maybe instead of trying hard when it's not warranted, i could just be me. and be with myself. kind of an odd thing, but it does seem to be working out ok.

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