Seems that I start all of my posts with something like..."I've been a bad blogger" or "It's been awhile" and this one is no different in that sense. My blogging has all but ceased with an exception here or there. It's not that I don't want to write, I do. And it's not that I have nothing to share, I do. So what's the problem?
Here's where I'll be straight up and tell you that I am struggling. My family is struggling. Life is a struggle. I don't want to write about something that will leave people reading with a sense of blah. That's no fun. The many blogs I read usually leave me with a smile or even a laugh out loud. Once in awhile there is something sad that's happened and I cry along with them. But in those cases, something sad has happened...a loss or an illness. I'm fortunate that I've not had anything like that occur in a while. I'm so very thankful for that. No, the struggles we are experiencing are not life and death. Some do affect our lives in big ways and some in not so big ways. In fact the smaller things would probably not be as bad if the big things weren't happening.
I don't want to be a Debbie Downer.
I do want to be real.
In order to be real I may have to be a Debbie.
For a while I thought that the hard times we are experiencing were just a season. The season would pass and change. Starting fresh and anew. So I've waited. Trying to keep a positive outlook. I've prayed, I do that a lot. Riding this wave and waiting to reach the shore but I just can't get there.
It reminds me of a day at the beach as a kid...my friend and I were holding onto a raft and floating wherever the water took us. We didn't realize that instead of bringing us back to the shore, the currents were taking us out into the sea. It wasn't until our parents noticed and yelled and waved at us that we realized how far away we were. Trying not to panic we kicked our legs trying to power our raft back to shallow waters. It didn't work very well. We kicked and kicked and maybe started to panic. By this point I think everyone on the beach was aware of what was happening but all they did was watch us. Maybe that's all they could do. Nobody swam to us. Eventually we did make it back, exhausted. Right now I'm on that raft and fighting the currents to get back to safety and normalcy. I know that others can see and they are worried. But they can't swim out to guide me back.
Keeping it real, I have to admit that I'm angry. Angry that this bad season didn't start with anything I had done. Angry that I am recovering from a seriously bad season already. Throwing a temper fit in my mind (usually) that enough is enough. I have been through serious struggles and had enough. It's not fair. This isn't my fault. Look at this mess we're in. I'm not cleaning it up. And on and on.
Then I realize that I shouldn't be so childish. I am blessed in many ways. Maybe I didn't cause the problems but they are still mine to help solve. That's another part of the problem, I can't solve it. Sure there are some things that I can do but ultimately a lot of it is completely out of my control. That's when the anger and pity party turns to fear. Something has to give. It's not just me or my husband, it's my girls. At what point does this begin to affect them? I can try to shield them and protect them. Life as usual. But they are smart and observant and they know that things aren't as they should be. Then the fear turns to sadness. My girls are my life. I want the best for them in all ways, all the time. They've been through a horrible season already. A season of not knowing what was going to happen to me. Life turned completely upside down for them. But they are also strong and faithful. So there's that. But again enough is enough.
So what is this bad season we're experiencing? Mostly it's unemployment. Mr. H hasn't worked since June of last year. In the beginning I let it go and let him just be. I'm sure he needed to grieve. He didn't just lose his job, it was a bit more than that. He could potentially lose his license, after all this time he still doesn't know what that outcome will be. I have to throw in a disclaimer, he didn't do anything horribly wrong. He stood up for a patient who was not able to get the care he needed because of insurance paperwork. His patient was sick and after hours of treatment being delayed, Mr. H found a way to get his treatment and the patient was alright. Unfortunately Mr. H's employer didn't back him up and terminated him. To add insult to injury they reported him to board and his case has not been resolved. I truly feel that the state will find in his favor, but not knowing is awful. It also has interfered with his schooling as he intends to pursue further licensure but with his current license status up in the air he feels stuck. His ability to work is not affected but the career that I always felt was recession proof has shown to not be so. The jobs are just not available.
What started as grieving has probably turned into depression. And when one person in the family is down and out it tends to affect us all. Arguments happen, blame happens, teamwork is disrupted. Then add in things like loss of medical insurance (my recovery includes the need for many medications, expensive medications) and financial difficulties...it's just a big mess. There seems to be no end in sight.
So that is where we are right now. Again I didn't want to share all of this because it's not positive or pleasant or entertaining. But it's real and I'm real. I intend on sharing more but I promise to not just dwell on the negative. The truth is that despite this season...I am blessed. We are blessed. I definitely hope that things will change soon and that in the meantime we will try to keep the girl's lives as usual the best we can.
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